I�ll be home for Christmas
Daddy�s back home with an added bonus of a wheelchair and a cast on his foot. The doctors still aren�t sure what�s wrong with his leg, but they�re going to fix the broken bones before they try anything else� but that�s going to take two months at least because first they have to wait for the swelling from the unknown sickness to go down so they can operate. And don�t ask how my dad could have broken his foot in two places and not known it� Sure, he�s diabetic and doesn�t have that much feeling in his foot, but how can you not notice that something happened to your foot that more than likely did a lot of damage or that your foot is not supposed to be able to bend at that angle or something? There must have been *some* indication that something was wrong.
But anyway, he�s home and happily complaining about this and that, which means he�s perfectly fine. If he starts getting sentimental, though� that�s when we�ll get worried.
Damned stubborn ex-Army sergeant major with a macho complex. Honestly, would it be so bad to tell us every once in a while that he feels pain? Egads.
Oh, and the mock job fair is almost over, for me anyway. I think most other people are finished already, but I still have to apply to the Physical Therapy place. It�s not a big deal, though, because I�m certain I got the voice coaching job� especially considering that no one else applied. ^_^ They didn�t want to have to audition, you know. Mrs. H scared me for a while there� Earlier she�d told me that I could just pick out a song, so I was like Se Tu M�ami is nice and easy, and I�ve sung it a hundred times, have it completely memorized, could sing it in my sleep, etc etc. Simple, right? Heh. Wait, this is Deborah we�re talking about. In the middle of the interview, she flips to the first song in my big fat music binder and says, �Here, why don�t you sing this for me,� and ambles over to the keyboard to play it.
It was Mozart�s Alleluja. I spazzed. Not only have I not really sung anything that strenuous in the past month, but I haven�t worked on that song for probably two months. Not to mention that there are two parts that I still can�t do at the regular tempo without running it all together.
^^;;;;;;;
To return in a roundabout sort of way to the original topic, I have been sooo worried about money lately. And school. And all these college and scholarship apps I�m supposed to be filling out while keeping my grades up at the same time.
To summarize it, my family is having many costly health problems and my two-month old embryonic niece/nephew is going to be born right around the time I start college. Daddy�s not working since he�s effectively incapacitated at the moment and my brother is going to have to worry about his own new family and certainly won�t be able to loan any to me. Yeah, there are a lot of scholarships out there� but none of them will cover any exorbitant travel expenses for the vacations when I'm kicked out of the dorms and told to go home during the holidays. So it looks like no matter where I might be accepted, I�m still going to stay at home and go to the local university.
Honestly, it�s a good university. Not the best, certainly, but I don�t mind it. Besides, since I hope to go on to my graduate degree, no one�s really going to pay attention to where I got my undergrad. Right?
I know all that is true. But I can�t help but feel that a lot has been wasted if all I�m going do is go to Tech. I had the ACT requirement in 8th grade and my old school had the basic requirement classes that I needed. If all I�m going to do is go to Tech, my old school would have been enough. We could have saved the money we�ve spent on the private school I�m going to now and maybe that would help out with the doctor�s bills.
And then there�s that feeling that I�ve also wasted a lot of effort. I don�t need Psychology 201, I don�t need Biology 103, I don�t need French III or Bio or Phys or Chem II. I don�t even need calculus. All that extra study that I did, all that sleep I lost, the reports and applications, all of it wasn�t necessary. Yeah, it may help me get into a better college� but what does that matter if I�m not going to go anywhere else anyway?
I know how silly I�m being and it�ll go away in a few days. But for now, I�m just profoundly disappointed and disillusioned. I knew that one day all this financial and health mess would happen� I just thought that if I tried hard enough, maybe I could hold it off somehow until I could get a good job and then I�d be able to take care of it. All the studying I did just to get my foot in the door so I could compete with the kids who had more money and more privileged education, all of it looks worthless right now because it is inconsequential.
Or at least, it did until a few hours ago.
And while I refuse to allow myself to become too expectant� hope may be lurking around the corner.
Daddy�s back home with an added bonus of a wheelchair and a cast on his foot. The doctors still aren�t sure what�s wrong with his leg, but they�re going to fix the broken bones before they try anything else� but that�s going to take two months at least because first they have to wait for the swelling from the unknown sickness to go down so they can operate. And don�t ask how my dad could have broken his foot in two places and not known it� Sure, he�s diabetic and doesn�t have that much feeling in his foot, but how can you not notice that something happened to your foot that more than likely did a lot of damage or that your foot is not supposed to be able to bend at that angle or something? There must have been *some* indication that something was wrong.
But anyway, he�s home and happily complaining about this and that, which means he�s perfectly fine. If he starts getting sentimental, though� that�s when we�ll get worried.
Damned stubborn ex-Army sergeant major with a macho complex. Honestly, would it be so bad to tell us every once in a while that he feels pain? Egads.
Oh, and the mock job fair is almost over, for me anyway. I think most other people are finished already, but I still have to apply to the Physical Therapy place. It�s not a big deal, though, because I�m certain I got the voice coaching job� especially considering that no one else applied. ^_^ They didn�t want to have to audition, you know. Mrs. H scared me for a while there� Earlier she�d told me that I could just pick out a song, so I was like Se Tu M�ami is nice and easy, and I�ve sung it a hundred times, have it completely memorized, could sing it in my sleep, etc etc. Simple, right? Heh. Wait, this is Deborah we�re talking about. In the middle of the interview, she flips to the first song in my big fat music binder and says, �Here, why don�t you sing this for me,� and ambles over to the keyboard to play it.
It was Mozart�s Alleluja. I spazzed. Not only have I not really sung anything that strenuous in the past month, but I haven�t worked on that song for probably two months. Not to mention that there are two parts that I still can�t do at the regular tempo without running it all together.
^^;;;;;;;
To return in a roundabout sort of way to the original topic, I have been sooo worried about money lately. And school. And all these college and scholarship apps I�m supposed to be filling out while keeping my grades up at the same time.
To summarize it, my family is having many costly health problems and my two-month old embryonic niece/nephew is going to be born right around the time I start college. Daddy�s not working since he�s effectively incapacitated at the moment and my brother is going to have to worry about his own new family and certainly won�t be able to loan any to me. Yeah, there are a lot of scholarships out there� but none of them will cover any exorbitant travel expenses for the vacations when I'm kicked out of the dorms and told to go home during the holidays. So it looks like no matter where I might be accepted, I�m still going to stay at home and go to the local university.
Honestly, it�s a good university. Not the best, certainly, but I don�t mind it. Besides, since I hope to go on to my graduate degree, no one�s really going to pay attention to where I got my undergrad. Right?
I know all that is true. But I can�t help but feel that a lot has been wasted if all I�m going do is go to Tech. I had the ACT requirement in 8th grade and my old school had the basic requirement classes that I needed. If all I�m going to do is go to Tech, my old school would have been enough. We could have saved the money we�ve spent on the private school I�m going to now and maybe that would help out with the doctor�s bills.
And then there�s that feeling that I�ve also wasted a lot of effort. I don�t need Psychology 201, I don�t need Biology 103, I don�t need French III or Bio or Phys or Chem II. I don�t even need calculus. All that extra study that I did, all that sleep I lost, the reports and applications, all of it wasn�t necessary. Yeah, it may help me get into a better college� but what does that matter if I�m not going to go anywhere else anyway?
I know how silly I�m being and it�ll go away in a few days. But for now, I�m just profoundly disappointed and disillusioned. I knew that one day all this financial and health mess would happen� I just thought that if I tried hard enough, maybe I could hold it off somehow until I could get a good job and then I�d be able to take care of it. All the studying I did just to get my foot in the door so I could compete with the kids who had more money and more privileged education, all of it looks worthless right now because it is inconsequential.
Or at least, it did until a few hours ago.
And while I refuse to allow myself to become too expectant� hope may be lurking around the corner.
posted by Deborah at 6:56:00 PM
